1. letting things “be as they are” is tough, right?

2. can one get get tired of healing?

3. if we post something meaningful and nobody reads it, does it still count?

4. when there are big decisions to be made, does it help to not think about them for a bit?

5. what does it mean to crave something but also fear it?

6. how do you really know if something is for you?

7. what is the difference between intuition and past conditioning?

8. how can you make a difference in the lives of others if you need a break from ‘doing things’?

9. did you know that if you express yourself in ways you need to and want to, that pain literally dissipates from your body?

10. what is the balance between sitting down and thinking about your purpose and then actually going and living life in order to discover it?

I have much harder questions to ask myself right now, but I figured I’d start with these first. Doesn’t hurt to remind myself of things I already know that continue to take up space in my brain. I am sure you can think of a few for yourself.

love-caro

This is hard for me. Words stress me out. I prefer images.

I want to share something that I am walking through.

A few weeks ago, I received a 20-years-too-late diagnosis of endometriosis, adenomyosis, and fibroids. To top it all off, I have something called a sub-septate uterus, which means that my uterus didn’t fully form in the womb, so it is heart shaped. Cute, I know ◡̈ But, comes with a lot of tough implications (more on that later).

I have struggled with my periods from the moment I got them in high school. I remember having to skip swim practice. And then, after freshman year of college, I had maybe 4-5 throughout the rest of my career until I retired (hello overtraining, but I had a ton of fun, I must say). Retirement from professional sport came with depression and a complete identity crisis, and one of the ways I coped was that I developed an unhealthy relationship with my body, food, and exercise. I then lost my period for nearly 11 years.

When I got it back, it came with a vengeance. I initially just thought it was “making up for lost time”, but long story short and many years of injuries, integrative, and (albeit successful) functional medicine practices later - I knew I needed to seek further help.

After carefully searching for the right doctors that specialize in endo/adeno, I finally feel like I have landed in an amazing place, with a solid support system. So, in typical social media fashion, I wanted to share a few lessons I’ve learned over the years. My hope is that this helps someone out there… even if it isn’t an identical situation.

1. Compassion. You don’t know what you don’t know. And you did the best with what you had at the time. Let go of the “shoulda-woulda-coulda’s” and tackle what you can tackle right here, right now.

2. Eastern AND Western Medicine are both important. Surgeons do the job of surgery. You do the job of keeping the environment healthy. Act accordingly.

3. Mindset. How you view what is going on with you is most of the battle. I have not always done this in a constructive way, but wow… does it make a world of difference.

4. On that note, address your angers and frustrations with people, your own body, and your situation. Your body holds onto things. Don’t let it hold onto it longer than it needs to. It doesn’t do any good.

5. Advocate for yourself. If something isn’t right, trust your gut. Get it checked out. You can only tough things out so long. And, if you are dismissed, keep trying. (and yes I know health insurance poses many difficulties in our world today… I wish I could say I could crack that code but unfortunately I have not. Do what you can with what you have, but speak up in the process).

6. Be honest. I spent many years of my life fluffing up details of my life because I thought it would make others more comfortable. What a waste of time. Just own your stuff, but remember - it isn’t anyone else’s problem. ex) “I have endometriosis and it takes me out each month, so I can’t attend this, but have so much fun!” No need to lie, unless you aren’t comfy sharing something personal. But if it means more freedom, I vote be honest and open.

7. Helping others is a great way to get out of your head. My work lends to this, but if your work is in a different field, it is really wonderful to provide support to people or animals or whatever allows you to give back and help others.

8. Find the good. Cliché, I know. But when we look for the good in our days, our brains want to find more of it. Try it out.

9. Know thyself. What works for Sally or Joe may not work for you. Try. Fail. Try again. You will land on what works for you, and stick with it.

10. Master the basics. Sleep, get sunshine, utilize breath work, fuel intentionally, and move your body. Only then can you add in various other things.

Thank you for listening. What’s next for me? Well, I am on the path for life, baby. It’s the only way. I hope you are on yours too. Follow that yellow brick road.

Happy Sunday,

Caroline

as always, it ain’t easy.

xo - caro

love, Caro

love, caro

love, caro

one step at at time, caro

love, caro

Happy Sunday - caro

love, caro

If this feels loaded, it is. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so they say.

XO (still haven’t fully figured mine out either), caro

PS. the first week of January is my least favorite week of the year because everyone wants to conquer everything at once. PACE YOURSELF. Life ain’t a track meet, it’s a marathon (millennial speaking). bye.

love, caro

love, Caro

The light dimmed

Maybe that dim was planned

Unbeknownst to me

To turn off the parts of me that had on some thick armor

To save battery for

The parts that needed to learn to trust

To love

The ones that needed to shine, damnit

I’m not perfect

Never will be

But I’m very glad my path has been low and slow

At times confusing and monotonous

Because if fast was too fast

And trust me, it once was

I’d never learn the lessons I needed to learn

And I’d be rushing through life just to feel more of something

Anything

Instead of more of what’s real

More of what’s heal(ed)

And more love

While I feel it’s taken me a bit longer

I sure am glad I’ve gotten a degree

In understanding self-worth

Being a better friend, sister, daughter, lover (or so I try)

And one helluva mama to a dog

(PS you can’t say dogs are “just pets”

Because then we just simply aren’t on the same planet)

Anyway even as a semi-private person

Hiding is out

Showing up however you are, is in

So here’s my commitment

To being whatever feels bright in the moment

Because the moment is all we have

Don’t let it be dim.

In 2020, I carried around a little notebook and scribbled ideas, thoughts, and brain-flows all day long. It didn’t matter what it was, I wrote it down. I recently went back to review them, fully expecting to not understand them whatsoever. To my surprise, everything flowed. Each page, sentence, word, scribble. It somehow made sense. Perhaps if someone else read it, they may not understand, but to me? Crystal clear.

Often times, our first reactions are the strongest, and our initial thoughts are the purest. Just because they may not be wrapped in that perfect bow to share with the world doesn’t mean they aren’t worth a damn. In fact, they may be worth the most damns.

Not everything we think of or create needs to be something. Sometimes, it can just be whatever it is.

And if I have written something like this before, well…. so it is, too. ;)

“I’m not ready”, I said to my coach right after the race, in reference to being ready to go to the Senior Nationals meet.

He looked at me and said “okay, well let me know then when you are.”

I remember being furious at his response. I wanted him to validate me! To tell me it was all okay, and that I could just stay back and go to another meet where I could “win”.

I was waiting for permission to play small.

What he did instead was put the ball in my court. Give me the agency to decide.

So, I went. Maybe out of fear and guilt, but I went. And…. I got dead last in my race in a sea of hundreds of swimmers. And you want to know what I learned?

That you’re never going to be ready, so give it a try anyway.

And that - I kept doing. And it ultimately paid off.

caro

Whenever I share, I immediately want to recoil. Delete it and disappear.

Whenever I don’t share, I feel I am restricting myself. Trapped. Suppressing.

Is there a balance to strike? It seems so trivial to think about, but this is a real-reality now.

Is this a phase? Is there a Pass Go, Collect 200 Dollars option where I finally just don’t care either way?

For all of my 10 followers so far, what do you think? Do you relate? Or if you’ve gotten to the point where you don’t care anymore, what made that shift? Asking for a friend and all of the other friends that may need it ;)

I’ll spare you the lengthy details of why, but fear and imposter syndrome have knocked on my door something fierce since we closed the doors on RISE. I suppose this is the way it goes sometimes. It doesn’t have to, but it does. Moments of fear precede moments of big change. This happened to me in my swimming days… and again after… this would happen, and then once you get over that awkward stagnant hurdle, BOOM. You start to feel flow. Things click.

Wait - pause. I just saved this as a draft and went to look at all of my older entries. WHY ARE THEY ALL SOUNDING THE SAME?

Okay. I am going to sum it up with a few things that may be helpful:

• Life is a series of transitions.

• You are not behind.

• You will never have it all figured out. What a … relief?

• I write how I think. Imperfect and in fragments. If this is you, too, I support.

• YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.

• It is something you learned at a young age to feel approval. It’s a lie. You don’t and won't ever be, so take a deep breath.

• Feeling lost means you are closer than you think.

• Try not to get stuck in analyzing your every move or judging your every thought. Just observe. You are not your thoughts.

• Fear is information. Befriend it. Use it as a tool.

I’ve probably shared these things before, but figured why the heck not on this fine Sunday eve.

Keep going.

Caro

“It’s not enough to be temporarily relieved from our emotional and mental discomfort- we need to learn from it and let it wake us up. All of our mental, emotional, and somatic reactions are wake-up calls, little alarm bells that let us know that we are in the grips of ignorance.”

I want to share and connect through my experiences. But the shame-filled voices that have squandered my soul are the same…don’t dwell, get over it, everyone has their shit, everyone suffers, you aren’t special, speaking about it only makes it linger, get out of a victim mindset. Yet when the experiences you are healing from are neurologically engraved into your being in more intense ways than I care to explain, being told this is denying myself an entire experience. And, we are entitled to experience our lives in order to improve upon things for generations to come. (After all, judgement of such is a sign that we have things to heal within ourselves….I know this first-hand).

My full on, raw and messy truth: I have been battling my demons. For a decade plus… running. Hiding. Escaping. Chasing. Denial. Blank. Flat. Empty. Messy. Wanting to disappear.

Before that battle, it was chasing highs. Wins. Glory. I had one purpose. I was good for one thing. All of these came with a side of the darkest pain, the hardest nights. Phone calls for help made from a bathroom floor, crouched in a corner in fits. Shocked. Confused. Then I fled. I left. I ran away… I couldn’t face the pain alongside the glory anymore. Flashbacks. Visions. Demons. No… it couldn’t be. No way. Attempted to start over, running from that which haunted me. I moved 7 times. Read every Brené Brown excerpt possible, picking up the Bible from time-to-time even though I didn’t get it, seeking to justifying my life. Lost 30 pounds. No periods. Blurry thoughts. Therapy, therapy some more. Chased the wrong types of highs yet again. Sweat my heart out at night until my linens were fully drenched. Broke some bones from stress, contracted gnarly infections in my leg, concussed…because well.. the body knows to tell you to slow down to see first. Then, I got a glimpse of love, a glimpse of myself, and per usual, ran from it. What I was holding onto, I was blocking out. I blocked. it. all. out. That was my superpower, after all.

Well as I predicted, that which I ran from will continue to confront me until it is done with me, until I am done with it. So here I am, a decade later, finally walking head-first into the gnarliest ride of my life. I have kicked and screamed in the safest corner of my house, cried and choked on my tears and been entirely unrecognizable at moments. I have been in total denial of my patterning. Resisting. I have cringed at the realizations, all of which involve one common theme: my worthiness.

Someone asked me what it would take for me to own my experiences. I didn’t necessarily have an answer right away, but I am starting to realize it all surrounds releasing shame. To savor those that see you, all the way through your bones and physical self to peer into the depths of who you are without anything else defining you. It takes asking for help, declaring that you are willing to face your shit once and for all. Again, it takes becoming real with your shame and forgiving yourself, because you did what you could with what you had at the time and now, its time to do better.

I don’t want to be perfect. I don’t want to have it all figured out. I don’t want to be fake - waving my hand to the world anymore, bullshitting and telling everyone I am fine. Few scratches- all good. I want to be real. I want to allow myself to see that I am a human being that is worth more than what I produce. I want to embrace my growth, even if only a few handfuls of people on the world will ever know the depths of the experiences. I want to confront it, and rather than run and hide, I want to show up and greet it with a (hesitant) yet warm embrace. And yes, I want to freaking smile with all of the goodness behind it.

So…who am I without my story? I ask myself daily. I am realizing I am a bright ball of light, an intuitive energy, marinating in desire to love myself more. Maybe this period is a rite of passage. Maybe just the first one. Or maybe, I have been walking through the dark hallways with a blindfold on, albeit hopeful, smiling…and now I am peeking out now to show my face to the world and recognize that I am worthy of love and existence, beyond what my story has been. Maybe it’s a door.

The beauty is that nothing is known, nothing is permanent, nothing is forever. But love is eternal, for self and others. And on the days where I sit in that corner, stuck in my dark hole and saying “NO” to everything that could be beautiful, I sit with the souls that are right there telling me to keep showing up. Telling me they love me. Sharing with me that no matter how horrible I think I am in those moments, that I have nothing to be ashamed of and the world of myself to embrace. Telling me it’s not too late to heal from things that were horrible. Maybe that is okay to spend time caring for myself, and that is not selfish. So no, I won’t apologize, instead I want to show you love and gratitude. You know who you are. I love you.

To anyone that feels their inner-shit isn’t worthy of both confrontation and love, I see you. And, to anyone fearful to face things that still show up in your patterning to this day- you are not alone. Yes, you story is important. And, you are beautiful in existence just as you are. The entire purpose of walking the path of this life is to allow what shows up to show up on our timeline, and to recognize that regardless of what that is- you are worthy of love.

feed me symbolism-

energy

senses

sometimes words take a backseat.

however words make me curious.

when I want to understand,

I become lured in.

I may not be the best with them-

but I am curious-

and that feels

nice.